From Byron

My stepfather looks like Elephant Man this morning. Ha ha ha, serve him right!

From Ev

You can't tell Paget and Wardy apart now. Both of their noses are enormous.

From J R Ward, ex-Ground Curator

I was very upset when I walked into the club tonight and everybody called me Paget. Come on guys, I am not that f***ing ugly; especially when you have got that rotund bald headed w***er behind the bar and that big-eared p**t being supported by the bar!!!

From Chunky Jnr

Is Mr Ward referring to my old man when he talks about a rotund, bald headed w***er?

From Marc Fox

Could I just ask if Mr Paget has got shares in RAC? If not then I recommend you join the AA and they may have got him back in time to take the team photo as promised!

From J Tropiano, Curator, Colchester Zoo

I must say just how delighted I am that you gentleman at ADCC have so kindly adopted one of our rare Giant Pandas (Chi Chi). When I saw him wandering around your beautiful ground yesterday I was almost overcome with emotion. His new enclosure (The Brow) is so much nicer than his old one at Baghdad Zoo.

PS. I believe he is, however, too old to breed. PPS. Why have you renamed him Paget?

From Paul Johnson

I have just had the misfortune to witness the shambolic perfromance of four of the regular Whalebone CC players apparently playing (and I use that word in its broadest possible sense) for St Peters House. If their combined performance is anything to go by, then I believe that the Whalebone season will be very long indeed. To summarise their input I would say. Welton: I've seen snails turn quicker. Pegrum: I'm just pleased he has more success with women. Sparky: runs like he's still carrying his bagpipes. Paul Le Ford: eBay sellers must be laughing all the way to PayPal land.

A strict training regime must be implemented or else their lovely sponsor (Vicky) will be facing a season of embarassing defeats. I am appalled at the prospect of playing with them in 2008. I was waiting to see the panda bat, but I heard he has bamboozled everyone and decided to graze in the outfield only.

From J R Ward

In reply to Chunky Junior's e-mail, I was actually referring to the Don Estelle lookalike!

From Daniel Woodrow

Next week the children at my primary school will be studying China, and I was wondering who I would need to talk to about borrowing Chi-Chi to come along for the day? It would be wonderful for the classes to see a real live panda close up; they could sketch him and feed him bamboo shoots, although I am a little wary of letting them pet him. Perhaps that nice Mr Everett could bring him along – he seems to get on so well with children and I am sure they would be thrilled to see what Father Christmas does in his off-season.

From Chunky

I am not rotund!!!