MASSIVE HUNT FOR STOLEN FENCE PANELS [29/06/08 12:35:33]

The recent lull in organised crime at the club following the Security crackdown with zero-tolerance measures was savagely interupted when a local resident awoke to find that almost all of his fence panels had been stolen.

Head of Security John Stockbridge (68) was immediately called to the scene and confimed that the fence panels were indeed missing (see right). This admittedly brilliant piece of deduction did little to placate the irate resident, John Everett (67) who said "F***ing idiot, I can see that!"

Stockbridge vowed to catch the criminals and said "What b***ards. Mr Everett is proper poorly at the moment and needs this like a hole in the head. I am determined to bring the f***ers responsible to a swift justice".

Fearing that the crime had continental connotations as there was at least one dodgy-sounding character around on Satuday evening, Stockbridge radioed for assistance to his counterpart in the German Secret Police, Helmut von Schtickers, who was conveniently holidaying in the area.

Feldwebel von Schtickers sprung into action and immediately located one of the mssing panels in a neighbouring garden (see left). He agreed that it was almost certainly the work of a 'splinter' group of the notoriously violent Fence Filchers de France (FFF).

Interpol confirmed that a member of the FFF is known to have infiltrated the nearby island of Mersea simply by wearing a fake extra finger on each hand, donning webbed feet and displaying a vacant, vague look on his face. It is thought that he may have changed his name to Mr Green so as not to attract unwanted attention.

Stockbridge and von Schtickers were confident of an arrest as early as this luncthime and pleaded with local residents not to form vigilante groups and refrain from taking the law into their own hands.