HOG ROAST SECURITY PLANS CHALLENGED [17/05/08 17:30:32]

After the disturbing scenes at the UEFA Cup Final in Manchester this week, concerns are growing within the club's hierarchy over security arrangements for the Champions League Hog Roast to be held at The Brow on Wednesday and, in particular, the Head of Security's blase attitude towards what could be a potentially volatile evening.

However, the original intention for large TV screens to be erected around the boundary during the St Peters House v The Firm CECL fixture have been abandoned in the wake of the terrible Manchester experience.

Club treasurer, John Everett (75) cast doubt on Stockbridge's plans at the weekly ADCC news conference, intimating that his dual roles of Head of Security and Mrs Welton's solicitor were just too much for a man of his advanced years: "I think the old c**t has lost it" bemoaned his even older friend.

However, the 68-year-old Stockbridge (BA (Hons) (Monkwick) LLB) was soon on the offensive. Sucking on a cheap french fag he told your reporter: "Its dead f***g easy. The Mancs will be coralled in Rooty's back garden and then escorted over the outfield to the clubhouse by the Fingringhoe Under 11 school of ballet. The cockneys will be held back by a chain(!) in the Wits End NCP Car Park until brought into the pavilion via the mower shed by Mrs Paget's Brett Vale ladies, and you certainly wouldn't p*** them about! Once inside my trusty lieutenants, Charlie, Big Lil and Le Ford will ensure segregation while me and Clay start gumming on a bit of crackling."

Any trouble on Wednesday evening will almost certainly renewed efforts from those keen to oust the chainsmoking former newspaper magnate from his highly paid position at The Brow. Although again linked with the managership job at Manchester City, Stockbridge (pictured above) has a very poor record in his current position and has made himself the target of the lynch mob with his cavalier attitude.

This report was brought to you by The Fingringhoe Newshound