INCREASED POWERS FOR SECURITY CHIEF [28/04/08 18:40:10]

In a move aimed at stemming the tide of unlawful activity at The Brow, the committee have voted in emergency powers for the security division in the wake of a recent escalation in undesirable behaviour at the area's premier cricket club.

Parking permits for certain sought-after spaces affording quick and easy access the pavilion were issued last week to senior members of the 5 o'clock brigade but even this action has not been without its problems as the market has since been flooded with counterfeit copies.

Crime is currently at an all-time high and, despite a pathetic record during the 2007 season, Head of Security John Stockbridge (68) was remarkably elected unopposed at the club's AGM, a reappointment that shocked and dismayed many. Former Chairman Paul Johnson described Stockbridge's record as "lamentable" and was concerned that the job was too much for a man of his advancing years.

However, the latest powers to be introdcued are certainly wide-reaching and include 'stop and search' tactics as well as the ability for Stockbridge and his henchmen to detain and question suspects for five days without charge.

Additionally, Stockbridge (who is known as a man of few words greater than four letters) has been granted permission to introduce a fierce canine presence to The Brow as he seeks to curb unruliness amongst the regular Sunday lunchtime drinkers. Charlie (pictured right - he's the one with the runty little white thing) has already proved himself a nuisance by defecating the outfield and biting the Treasurer's trousers.

However it remains to be seen whether Stockbridge can justify the faith placed in his criminal detection abilities by the club's supremoes.

The jury is out!