NEW MAN ROOT IMPOSES SHARIA LAW [12/02/08 14:06:27]

Bar Manager Dave Root (right) has moved quickly to impose Sharia Law at The Brow following his shock election at last week's AGM. The previously mildmannered Root has shocked ADCC's rank and file membership with his initiative which he freely admits is the result of months of planning.

Formerly an innocuous and apparently unassuming Committee foot soldier, he gleefully described his plot to the website, indicating that he frequently gave the impression that he had fallen asleep during the tiresome monthly meetings, whilst all the while he was quietly mounting a vigorous and 'serpent-like' attack designed to thrust him into office.

And it was at the AGM that his plan came to fruition where he won a very close election for the newly-created position of Bar Manager by a slim 2-0 majority, although there were a record 57 abstentions. It is perhaps important to note that his only opponent was the local ginger cat!

Root harbours great disgust at what he terms "an almost total lack of morality and respect" shown by certain members and his swift imposition of Sharia Law will "root out those undesirable characters and submit them to just and painful punishsment".

He flatly denies that he is a radical fundamentalist or that he is in any way just barking mad. However, his first rule is sure to send shockwaves throughout the club and the local leagues. "I will be banning alcohol from the premises at all times" he asserted. "Those found to be flouting this decree will be publicly stripped and flogged". Whilst this might be mildly worrying for the offenders, the very thought of some of the club's overly-corpulent members being racked up naked over the scoreboard for a whipping is most unpleasant for the local residents.

Root's other main law change concerns the amputation of hands for anybody found to be 'round-dodging'. "There is an element of this club that habitually avoids paying for drinks" he fumed. "They come up with all manner of excuses such as going to the toilet, needing to go home and walk the dog as well as receiving perfectly-timed mobile phone calls. These are all avoidance ruses".

More minor laws involve the over-indulgence at the tea table which will be punishable by hanging, drawing and quatering whilst a failing aim in the urinal will lead to castration.

Head of Security John Stockbridge (68) was brief in his condemnation of Root's 'abuse' of power, labelling him a silly f***er."