ERS TO INVESTIGATE MR GRUMPY VOTING [02/09/07 04:11:59]

Fears emerged this morning that the Electoral Reform Society have been asked to investigate ‘abnormal voting patterns’ following last week’s Mr Grumpy result in which neighbour from hell John Everett (66 today) attracted an unprecedented number of votes in the final quarter hour of online polling.

Claims of vote rigging were made earlier in the week when certain senior members of the club found their votes blocked proving that the security measures put in place to prevent multiple voting seemed to be working.

But, with the candidates locked in a neck-and-neck battle for the award, a massive influx of votes timed at 2346h on Saturday night swung the verdict Everett’s way for a third successive week.

Head of Security John Stockbridge (68) was immediately alerted and although agreeing that the voting patterns were suspicious, expressed his satisfaction with them outcome of the poll as he had received several nominations himself and quite rightly observed that, “Everett is the grumpiest b***ard I have ever met.”

Some of the ‘anonymous’ votes received late in the election process cited these reasons for Everett being named Mr Grumpy again:

It is understood that the ERS will be looking into the possibility that ‘coordinated and systematic voting has taken place’ contravening the rules governing E-voting.

“It has to be a hat trick for him after his sulk on Friday when security refused to pick up a couple of empty glasses. His loss as he missed a great night.”

“For leaving the reggae night early because Head of Security wouldn't collect any glasses.”

“For pi**ing off early Friday night without buying me a drink, especially after all the drinks my dad buys him”.

“Because he makes my poor husband do all the work on the wicket this week when he should have been at the gym.”

“For upsetting my son, he is having nightmares and keeping me awake because that beast Mr Everett upset his Grandad.”

“The rest of the family voted for him so I might as well. Come to think of it, he never bought me a drink the other week when my Mum done teas and my Dad is always buying him drinks.”

“For upsetting my Grandad, what would the cricket club do if he decided to pack in and look after me?”