ABBERTON CRICKETER NOT IN ORWELL [30/07/07 12:11:48]

Fears that it was an Abberton cricketer marooned in the River Orwell over the weekend were finally allayed by the club's Head of Secret Police John Stockbridge who, in a last ditch attempt to increase his failing public popularity, investigated the matter with a hitherto unseen efficiency.

Stockbridge (68) is concerned that there are younger pretenders to his highly paid job as the ADCC security supremo and acknowledges that his crimesolving record in recent months has been woeful.

However, he quickly intervened when a first team regular was absent for Saturday's match with East Bergholt and rumoured to be languishing in the mud near the Ipswich ferry port.

Thanks to Stockbridge's speedy action, a fifteen foot whale (see above right) was put down by marine experts. They said they wanted to prevent the juvenile Northern Bottlenose from additonal suffering. Experts said it would almost certainly have died of starvation or dehydration if it had not been put down.

Zoologists plan to carry out tests on the animal if they can, although it is thought that there is a good chance the whale's body could be washed away.