ABSENTEE OFFICIALS ANNOY PUNTERS [16/07/07 14:32:47]

Regular Sunday lunchtime punters were both annoyed and perplexed by the non-appearance of either Ray Clay or John Everett at opening time yesterday. It was the first time since 13 August 1978 that one of the two committee combatants had not been present to perform the ceremonial raising of the shutters at 12 noon.

First to arrive was Jim Hubbard, a retired roadsweeper from the village. He was tired and thirsty after spending the morning resiting a paving slab in his garden and admitted to being "bewildered and disorientated" by the absence of the pair of bar stewards.

Hubbard has played pool in the pavilion every week come rain, hail or shine since February 1990 apart from a fortnight in hospital for his Chalfonts and he was wondering how to cope with returning home early for his Sunday roast.

Worried neighbours, sensing a possible break in, summonsed the Head of Secret Police John Stockbridge (68) who sped to the scene after arming himself in case he faced a violent mob.

After investigating the matter and being unable to locate either party, he issued a brief statement to the website. "Its f***ing typical of those two c***s," he said, "just clearing off and leaving their friends in a mess".

Much later in the day, villagers returning from a History Centre in Little Baddow, Essex reported sighting the pair pleading poverty dressed as farmhands and trying to earn a crust with their begging bowls.

Neither Clay nor Everett have since been available for comment.