ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT FAILS [14/07/07 03:38:03]
The Pavilion was rocked by a massive explosion in the early hours of Thursday morning which awakened local residents. The 'bomb' detonated when Treasurer John Everett (top right) commenced his activities on the premises and left the ageing official in so much shock that he could not enjoy his bacon sandwich for breakfast.
The rather amateurish device consisted of up to ten cans of Coke secreted within the freezer (two pictures bottom right) and was clearly targeted at the unwary Everett who has become increasingly unpopular in the last few weeks following his verbal attacks on fellow officials, his failure to invite neighbours to his BBQs and, more recently, his attempts to bankrupt fellow committee members by sending out the minutes with insufficient stampage on the envelopes.
A dazed Everett was quick to point the finger at Callum Appleyard, leader of DOPRA (Deserving of Polly Rogers Award), a fanatical group funded from Australia whose mission is to ensure that the coveted Polly Rogers trophy does not find its way to Wits End for the fifteenth time.
However, investigations suggest a more sinister possibility. The internal Secret Police is working on a theory that the committee collectively plotted the assassination in a 'Murder on the Orient Express' style operation to rid themselves of a tiresome presence at their monthly meetings. Head of the Secret Police, 68 year old John Stockbridge, said, "Its hardly surprising they are after him, he is so mean. He always makes me, a poor pensioner, pay when we go to the Plough for lunch and I know he gets kickbacks from the owners."
He went on, "Behaviour such as that makes him (Everett) a target but I am not going to put any extra men on the case as there are far more important things that we should be doing. I know several members are trying to get me sacked from my highly paid position and I intend to show them just how much value I add."
The outspoken club Treasurer, who was physically unhurt by the explosion, was unavailable for comment.
