PERCY PIG RANSOM BID THWARTED [11/07/07 05:22:58]

After almost four days, it finally arrived. Anguished owners received the picture of Percy Pig in obvious distress about to be roasted (see right). This was followed by a telephone call from a little known shadowy gang calling themselves the Warren Farm Army Against Pigs during which a considerable ransom was demanded.

During the call, the distraught owners were allowed to briefly speak to Percy who pigfully asked them not to give in and comply with the demands of the pignappers. In between stifled grunts and snorts, he admitted that the leader of the WFAAP, thought to be a postal worker with previous links to the club, was holding a knife to his throat and using phrases like "apple sauce" and "thick onion gravy".

Before they rang off, the pignappers demanded a large ransom to be paid in unmarked Mothercare vouchers and left in a litter bin on a quiet country road in the Eight Ash Green area of the town. They also warned against involving the Head of Secret Police otherwise Percy would be ovened.

However, the villains' plans were thwarted when, in a covert dawn operation, the club's Ground Curator John Ward singlehandedly stormed an address on the Warren Farm estate and liberated Percy. It is understood that no shots were fired and he was invited to sit down and have a cup of tea with the occupiers of the house, a thirty-year-old man and a woman with a young child.

Speaking later after the raid, Ward (pictured right about to enter the outlaws' hiedout) modestly played down his part and praised the bravery of Percy. The porcine was tearfully reunited with his mother and twin brother Perry, himself the victim of several abduction attempts in the past by a splinter group called the DOPRA (Deserving of Polly Rogers Award), lead by an unkempt individual who was recently arrested trying to enter Scotland.

It is thought that Percy's owners are considering the installation of a sophisiticated alarm system as they have no faith in the effectivness of the club's wasp murdering Head of Secret Police John Stockbridge (68). He had shown an almost total disinterest in the case as he slurped and swore his way through a bottle of Bacardi the previous day.