WASP MURDERED BY SECRET POLICE [08/07/07 19:07:10]

Ray Clay was today embroiled in a major scandal surrounding the callous and totally unnecessary slaughter of a peace-seeking wasp (seen right in happier times) who sought refreshment in the form of a sip from the Secretary's lager glass.

Clay, never a man to part with his drink willingly, took a slug from his pint of Fosters whereupon the unfortunate insect, clearly in fear of his life, responded with a mild warning sting to the drinker's lips. The reaction was immediate as Clay fell to the floor, writhing like a German striker.

In a display of excessive force, the club's Head of Secret Police John Stockbridge, without issuing the customary warning, swatted the petrified vespidae to the floor and squashed it with his size sevens.

Spectators, match officials and players were stunned by such an act of violence and one shocked onlooker stated, "He (Stockbridge) acted like a complete madman. The poor, defenceless creature was given no opportunity to state his case and was executed on the spot. It was a frightening exhibition of force and he clearly exceeded his authority. He should resign immediately".

Stockbridge, 67 tomorrow, was unavailable for comment after he accompanied Clay to the casualty department, the latter complaining bitterly that he still had three quarters of a pint remaining. This was the second time in less than a week that he had been unable to finish his drink and the experience was obviously causing him great distress.